i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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