I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize