if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
two words...techno handjob
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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