Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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