god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
