My sheets look like a crime scene.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize
