apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
