yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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