I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
