My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
it's like iHOP with fire
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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