i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
