the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
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