Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
