Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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