david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
It's never too late to be topless.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
