You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
