I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
