Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
