dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize