if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
