now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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