I am puke
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
