I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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