i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
