I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
