He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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