I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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