after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
