My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Never joke about your clitoris.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
