i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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