Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
PANTIES FOUND
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