I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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