No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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