dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
