i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Just high enough for therapy.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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