I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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