4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
