Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
