the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
