so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
