Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize