To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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