She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
