I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Randomize
