I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
sex in a hospital.. check
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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