There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Drunk is a universal language darling
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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