I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
