I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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