i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
