a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
party gras won. party gras always wins.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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