You don't have asthma, your pregnant
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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