I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
