Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
