i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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