BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
