There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
