That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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