I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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