We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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