Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
