Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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